she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Randomize
