I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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