Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Randomize
