there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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