I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Randomize
