we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
