Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
