he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
