It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
