I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
