I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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