i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
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