i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
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