How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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