Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
