i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
