I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
