I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
This is classic penis vs brain.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
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