im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Randomize
