I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Randomize
