Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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