Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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