note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
