He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
