Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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