Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
