My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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