Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
