is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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