i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
