Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Found the puke drawer
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
