I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
