sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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