Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
