I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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