Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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