Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
