i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
