ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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