remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
