i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
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