maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
