My underwear smells like fireworks.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
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