it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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