Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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