Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
