On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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