Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
