Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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