so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
