help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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