I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
