I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
